I was going to sit and write a long thing about life and fear and cycles and shit, something lofty and hopefully meaningful, and maybe I will later, but right now I sat down to write and I just started crying.

I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m frustrated. Everything feels wrong.

I’m sad about events getting canceled, meaning I won’t get to see and dance with my friends – who I already see infrequently enough as it is.

I’m sad about cancellations for events where I was to teach.

I’m sad about the virus – I’m sad about the people who will suffer and die from it, I’m sad about the people suffering racist bullshit attacks because of it, I’m sad because of the economic devastation that will inflict even more suffering on poor and marginalized people all over the world – possibly more than the virus itself.

I’m tired. I’m scared.

I’m scared of a world with more viruses like this as the climate deteriorates, of a world where people increasingly don’t touch each other to avoid spreading more diseases.

I’m scared of a world where my primary love language cannot be spoken and I cannot experience, receive, or give, love anymore.

I’m feeling a lot of fears that probably aren’t realistic, feeling a lot of anxiety that will probably subside, but damn, this sucks.

I just want to hug everyone and never let go, but I don’t want to endanger people with infections either.

I feel like I want to go home – except I don’t feel like I have a geographic “home” anymore – I feel like my “home” is Zouk events…and with them getting canceled left and right, it feels like my home is being taken away, and I have nowhere to go.

Original post: https://www.facebook.com/kalinsan/posts/10110402297509226